Critiqueally
by Cassend
Summary: The drama unfolds as something is revealed that nobody expected. Parody of all things.


_ABC's A/N_

_The "A" stands for Abrupt and the "N" stands for Narcolepsy_

_No, it makes no sense, but what is sense? No, this makes no sense below- in fact it's a parody kinda sense with that silly feel of twizzler muffins and dancing rain men. No. _

_But yes, abrupt narcolepsy leaves me to credit my Tori for half of this semi-sensical nonsense bubbling up into a beautiful parody. And SLT for being my beautiful, darling, beta fish and helping me write Wesker so in character. You're adorable. _

_Critique is so welcomed!_

_Tori apologizes profusely for what you are about to read._

_Verbatum- "__Tori says, "Oh God, I'm so sorry.""_

_The end._

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><p><strong>Italics- Used when someone is talking and bleeding<strong>  
><strong>Bold- Used when someone is talking, bleeding, and in Uganda<strong>  
><strong>Underline- Used only when the dialogue was inspired by War and Peace<strong>

**I am currently talking and bleeding in Uganda.**

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><p><em><strong>If I Should stay<br>I would only be in your way  
>So I'll go But I know<br>I'll think of you every step of the way**_

* * *

><p><em>Quickly and quietly I forcibly kicked the lock on the door hastily.<em>_  
><em>

_And then I broke my wrist trying to open said door…__  
><em>

_And __then because I was inexplicably famished for some sexual encounter, I considered that I somehow broke my wrist quickly and quietly trying to open the door, noisily, I might add._

_"Quite vociferously. Flatly and nasally, I frantically called for Wesker, who appeared silently surveying the exceedingly bad damage I'd inflicted on my wobbly, weak wrist."_

_But then I realized so rapidly that I had just ingested the most unimaginably large dosage of painfully large pills, that I gasped intensely, and Wesker LEAPT back in alarm as I plummeted painfully to the recently polished floors._

_And then I was gone, quickly from this world into the world of dazzling blazes and the most inconceivable fantasies._

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><p><em><strong>AND IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII WILLL ALWAAAAAYS LOOOOOVE YOUUUUOUOU<strong>_

_**OOOOOOOOOOOOO- Will always**_

_**Love YOUUUUUUUUUU**_

_**You -My darling YOU**_

* * *

><p>It was a dark and stormy night again, because the weather probably decided "to Hell with it, cliché is my cup of tea". Somewhere, someone decided that it was a grand idea to waltz around in an underground lab and somehow bypass excessive levels of protocol containment in order to procure and for some reason crack a vial of an extremely lethal virus.<p>

Naturally, there were zombies exploding through the streets of Chicago in T- minus five hours.

The phone call came at three in the morning; bad news never comes your way when you're bright eyed and fully awake. Chris rolled out of bed, looking terribly stubbly and agnsty as he was ought to look, and answered the phone with a gruffness characteristic of sandpaper or middle aged women who smoke too long-but I digress. "Zombies? Isn't there something more original to infect people with?"

"**Plagas**?"

"Nah," she said.

"Raccoon City part 15?" he offered.

"_Same shit, different day_."

"I got nothin'."

Jill chewed on a thick rope of red dye five thousand, (Twizzlers), and with all the emotion of a loaf of bread, muttered "Nupe" from the hotel landing. From her perch a few floors up from the city, she watched a mob slowly pooling around the streets.

She sucked on the candy and garbled out. "Well, we better tell HQ."

Chris stirred from the bed and saw Jill sitting on the balcony, candy in hand. "What the hell are you doing out here at two in the morning?" Jill stared at him, (so cryptically that a thousand crypts themselves would have shriveled in their unworthiness) and said, "I'm watching the end of the world, Chris."

"You need to lay off that red dye."

"But it's the only happiness I have." she insisted flatly, biting into the Twizzlers to make it a point. "I'm depressed, you know. All this kidnapping and emotionally scarring work is getting to me."

She huffed and crossed her arms at the nuisance of zombies in her already complex life.

"You can hide from the truth with candy, Jill. That's all we do now, Jill. Run and hide!" he exclaimed, a single tear running down his cheek!

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><p><em><strong>Bittersweet Memories<br>That is all I'm taking with me  
>So good-bye<br>Please don't cry  
>We both know I'm not what you need<strong>_

* * *

><p>Jill turned in a sudden fit. "What is with you and your fucking single tears, Chris. You aren't fooling anybody!"<p>

She threw the twizzlers at the wall and burst into tears. "I just want to be HELD, Chris! How can I love a man who only has one working tear duct?"

Chris turned to face the wall. "I'm sorry, Jill. I've tried to be a sufficient lover to you, but my heart and my single tear duct belong to another..."

She gasped with as much melodrama as she could (not much).

"Well you know what, Chris- Me too." she muttered, past the agonizing pain. Her heart bawled for the duration of about ten seconds.

"And he can cry tears out of both of his eyes." she firmly noted.

And before they could reveal to each other their heart wrenching secrets, Claire Redfield burst through the hotel door, spunky as possible. "In case you two assholes didn't notice, there's another apocalypse going on outside!"

Jill shrugged. "It's like the third one this week."

Chris seemed about as enthusiastic and instead meandered over to the hotel bed and fell onto it. The world could end as far as he was concerned. The embarrassment of not being able to cry tears of manly fury was enough to bring any hunk of sheer mancandy down.

Meanwhile Jill fantasized about being "held" hostage, a disturbing grin on her face as she leaned over the edge of the balcony.

"Well fine." Claire sputtered. "Chris, come on! Leave the broad god damn it. She's just a pair of tits and heels now!"

Chris stared into his sisters eyes. "Do you understand what she means to me, Claire? What we've been through together?"

"Obviously not enough to fuck her. Now, come on, let's go!" And then Leon Motherfucking Kennedy came bursting through the door.

Leon felt faint. "Wait... you... it can't be."

Jill faced him, deadpan serious. "Yes Leon..."

"No..."

"Yes..."

Claire gasped. "NO."

Jill suddenly and randomly burst into tears. "I'm pregnant."

Leon gasped. Claire gasped. Chris gasped. The fish in the fishbowl to the side of the room gasped and then promptly died of a heart attack. "So, who's baby is it, Jill?" Chris said. "Do you want to twist the knife in my back on your way out!" a single tear still gushing out of his one functional tear duct. "No, Chris. It's not what you think it is!"

Jill put her hand to her forehead and swooned because the drama was far too much for her already emotionally abused mind. Zombies outside seemed to stop at such an ABSURD declaration.

"Listen." she announced. "Even /if/ I'm far past my prime- even if there's no way in the goddamn hell my poor uterus, after strenuous experimentation and extreme abuse- could ever carry so much as a cheerio- I currently have a three small bundles of cells in my organs."

"Wow, triplets, congrats…" Leon applauded awkwardly and Chris sobbed from one eye. Claire suddenly punched a wall, the tension in the air too much.

"I thought I was the one, Jill!" she cried, and Chris clutched his chest as the betrayal hit home.

Leon turned to Jill, flabbergasted. "Wait, you were fucking BOTH of them? At the same time? I've been spending HUNDREDS of dollars on hairgel a year just to get Claire to consider fucking me, and then you run in with your big tits and your freaky eyes and fuck both of the Redfields?" Jill paused. "Yeah, pretty much."

And who wouldn't have guessed Tolstoy's finest wouldn't keep out the brightest bulb in the bunch, as Albert Wesker quite uneventfully opened and closed the door, strolling in.

"Well, isn't this..." he growled and suddenly with super sensory powers, inhaled and determined the nature of the conversation. "Valentine, you bitch..."

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><p><em><strong>AND IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII WILLL ALWAAAAAYS LOOOOOVE YOUUUUOUOU<strong>_

_**OOOOOOOOOOOOO- Will always**_

_**Love YOUUUUUUUUUU**_

_**You -My darling YOU**_

* * *

><p>"Oh my God, Wesker!" Chris exclaimed, launching himself at the man. "Chris, Goddammit, can I have a moment of privacy?" Wesker snapped, throwing Chris off of himself. "Now then, where was I?" Wesker adjusted his sunglasses. "I believe you were calling me a whore, sir?" Jill suggested. "Ah, yes. So, what miserable creature managed to inject you with his zygote?"<p>

Jill shrugged "To be fair, sir, it would be sperm."

Claire was absolutely disgusted and joined her brother in crying dramatic singular tears that caught the light of the room perfectly.

Wesker crossed his arms. "Whatever."

Leon rose his hand. "Guys, there's still 70,000-ish, probably more, zombies outside, can we table this?"

Everyone screamed in unison, "no."

"Okay. I was just wondering," Leon said sheepishly. "Why are you crying, Claire?" Claire sniffled. "Because, I can't trust anyone in this world anymore, especially not that whore!" she exclaimed, pointing a finger at Jill. "Whore is a pretty harsh word, don't you think, Claire? I mean... everyone makes mistakes." Everyone in the room turned to look at Leon. "So, bout dem' zombies..." he said.

Wesker drew his magnum out of sheer animalistic urge to destroy everything, and pointed it in Leon's direction. "You will not change the subject. Jill's promiscuity is integral to this conversation."

Jill sighed. "I'm not promiscuous. I've only slept with all of you once."

Leon cocked his head and frantically tried to remember...

"Yes Leon," she sighed (again and more annoyed). "_Even you._"

Wesker growled. "You are mine, Jill."

But a sudden clipping came from the hallway, and lo' and behold, Excella Gionne, tits first, and everything else second.

"_Actually, she is mine_."

"Who the hell are you?" asked Leon and Claire in unison. They then blushed and ran off to have kinky sex in the bathroom before coming back to continue the conversation. "Are you two done yet?" Wesker growled. "Sorry, we're contractually obligated to fuck," Claire said...

"My name is Excella Gionne, and Jill is MY bitch. Not the gingers, not pretty boys, not roid-rage, and certainly not Albert's."

Wesker frowned deeply and pondered his own legal binding for a sexually explicit and abusive act on at least one person in the room, but Jill suddenly interrupted his internal monologue.

"Exactly. I told you, I'm not promiscuous, she used a turkey baster."

The crickets chirped in the background as Excella wrapped her goddess-like body around Jill and dipped her impossibly low.

"Oh the romance." Excella crooned.

Chris bawled some more and grabbed his ipod furiously, shuffling an MCR album and grabbing a pillow for his tears.

* * *

><p><em><strong>I hope life treats you kind<br>And I hope you have all you've dreamed of  
>And I wish you joy and happiness<br>But above all this I wish you love**__**  
><strong>_

* * *

><p>Leon balked. "So it's not my baby? I said all of those vague things for nothing?" "Yeah, you usually look like an idiot when you open your mouth," Jill said. "I agree!" Ada shouted, as she swung through the room, propelled by her grappling gun, before swinging through the window, onto the zombie infected streets. "Anyway, Jill and I are going to raise the perfect sexy child." Excella said.<p>

Wesker snorted. "Well I'm sure it will have massive mammories, but I have bigger things on my plate."

Jill chirped. "To compensate."

Leon quietly mused, 'There are bigger things?'

Excella sighed in her characteristically bored manner and scooped her fated lover up in her arms, waltzing out.

"Come Jill."

Jill grinned, mood completely irrelevant to situation. "Bye guys!"

And so they strutted out and lived happily ever after.

And then zombies ate everyone.

_The end._

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><p><strong>I, I will always love<strong>  
><strong>You...<strong>  
><strong>YOUUUUU ,<strong>  
><strong>Darling I love <em>you<em>**  
><strong>I'll always<strong>  
><strong>I'll always<strong>  
><strong>Love<strong>  
><strong>You..<strong>  
><strong>Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!<strong>

* * *

><p><strong><strong>_final note_

_B sharp_


End file.
